Bow Ties and Butt Cracks

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It's come to my attention from more people than I thought cared that I haven't had a post in a long time. First, I have to thank you angelfaces for letting me know that your life does revolve around whether or not I post. Self-esteem has now shot up to ungodly levels.

Secondly, I do want to apologize for not posting consistently in the past few months. It has been a combined result of not having had time to sit down and compose a meaningful post, I haven't been irritated enough by anything to write a post about it, and when I AM irritated by something, I usually construct the post in my brain right before I slip into unconsciousness and forget it by the time I wake up.

(It's funny how that even though I am fully aware that my dreams resemble a bad acid trip that I convince myself every single time that this time I WILL remember all of my ideas without writing them down. If you would like to know more about my dreams, please go here, here, here, and here. If you would now like to consult a psychiatrist, go to Google.)

So without further ado, or risk of scaring anyone else away, I would like to share with you my most recent adventures with college students.

A brief history: I have been avoiding being a grown-up so I thought it would be a jolly idea to come back to college to learn. or something. Unfortunately, hormone driven youths who think that they are grownups also attend aforementioned institution. Fortunately, I am a brilliant blogger with a twisted mind, which allows you guys and dolls get to vicariously participate in my exploits.

To start off with, I have three 300-level history classes in a row. Whine and complain if you must, but it makes me happier than an antelope with night-vision goggles (Thanks, Geico). At 9:30 this morning, I chose a seat in which I would be happy for the next five hours of my life and plopped down.

My first two classes don't have any assigned seats because my professors remember that this is college and it's okay if they don't know who we are. But the professor in my last class has to be all noble and learn our names and what on earth possessed us to be history majors (or in my case, teachers).

The very first class we had, Professor History Class #3 told us that we would have assigned seats and to remember where we were sitting because that would be the home for our tooshies for the remainder of the semester. This morning, I placed my rump in a different seat at 9:30 with absolutely no intention of moving until it was time for me to exit the building altogether. Rebellious though I was, I was ready to face the consequences. After all, I was still geeked out from the nastygram I had just written to Parking Services.

I highly doubted that my professor would actually notice that I was in the wrong seat because several students had added and dropped the class. Surely, someone besides myself was bound to be in the wrong seat. My assumption was correct. The professor hadn't a clue that I was rebelling against The Man and sitting in a new seat. The horribly dressed Man Child whose seat I took, however, was not as happy.

Now. Just a very brief lesson on college fashion...it is singly the most unstable and inexplicable phenomenon of the 21st Century because the future of America watches entirely too much Pretty Little Liars. There are girls who think that not only are yoga pants socially acceptable to wear in a public setting that is not a gym, but that you can't make out every disgusting detail of their lady parts. Then, you have the guys who wear Hollister shirts that are so Extra Medium that you can see their nipple rings. I could go on with more egregious fashion errors of college students, but you MOYTers have horribly vivid imaginations and can take it from here.

So back to the Man Child. I was checking on my email waiting on class to begin--and, I might add, secretly hoping that my presence in a new seat would spark a revolution--when I overhear someone entering the classroom in an overly fratastic way that made me throw up a little in my mouth. I quickly zoned out, but remember hearing lots of "bros". It stopped when someone in front of me goes "ohh. someone's in my seaaaat." I glance up and see this tall, gangly Ginger with wild hair wearing a suit with a mismatched vest and a bow tie of our school colors, which clashed horrendously with his bright orange hair.

I remembered this kid from the first day of class...it was like Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger had a bushy-haired, overzealously intellectual child. Wait...

I didn't make eye contact with Mr. Hermione Weasley for fear that he would ask me to move all of my crap so he could have his seat back. However, being the creeper I am, I watched him half-strut, half-sulk over to the corner where he found another seat that was unfortunately out of the peripheral vision of our professor. I know it's bad, but I considered this a win.

My professor begins class by taking care of some housekeeping issues when I notice that I can see a large portion of the bum of the girl sitting in front of me. Since I obviously needed to balance out my karma now, I thought it would be best to discretely lean forward and tell her to pull her shirt down because I would want someone to do that for me...which they do all of the time because unfortunately in feminine fashion, the pants are always cut too low and the shirts never come down low enough. It's not our fault. Write Oprah.

Karma, being the ever-loving B-word that he/she is, threw in a nice twist for me. I wasn't expecting a thank you, but I WAS expecting an initial look of embarrassment at her faux pas and a quick reaction to make necessary adjustments. Instead she glared at me out of the corner of her eye...and did nothing. I don't know if she didn't believe me or not, but I don't know why on earth a complete stranger would suggest to you that your butt crack is showing and thought it may be in your best interest to inform you that you were mooning a classroom of fifty people. Maybe it has happened to her before. Who knows.

What I do know is that I am SOOO happy it happened because it has given me some of the best material that I've had for MOYT in months. Thanks children!!