Autism and Marriage

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  So I have wanted to write this post for awhile now, but I have been thinking hard on what I was going to write. My original title was Autism Vs Marriage, but I didn't feel that was right. First of all, I don't feel my son's Autism is up against our marriage. Secondly, I didn't want to offend anyone because this can be a touchy subject.
  Those who follow my blog know I am an honest person. I tell it like it is, and I hide nothing. So, with that in mind, here goes......
  Our marriage is FAR from PERFECT. As a matter of fact, we tend to argue~ a lot. You see, hubs is the authoritarian, and I am well... I am the sucker. Thing is, I have read all the books, I follow all the blogs, and when Liam is behaving a certain way, and hubs gets on him, I am quick to defend. I don't like to do that. I don't. However, if a behavior is Autism related, I make no qualms about letting hubs know. This does cause issues in our marriage. He gets upset with me. He thinks I baby Liam. I get upset because I think he needs to educate himself more.....This is where Autism causes a rift in our marriage.....Also, let's face it, it's stressful. The meltdowns, the lack of sleep, the obsessions.....the list goes on.... Hubs and I haven't even slept in the same room, in I think 4 years!!! We didn't sleep in the same bed because of his back problems, and he would toss and turn a lot, but then I had to sleep in Liam's room, because it was the only way for any of us to get any sleep. So now, Liam and I have a bedroom with our own beds, and hubs has his own room. NOT your typical marriage, but hey, it works for us. My mom reads this blog, so I am not even going into the sex issue. I'm just not. (you're welcome momma :)) I will share this pic though because it's perfect for what I want to say......Just scroll past it momma ;)
ha, told ya this was perfect :)


For all of these reasons, Autism has put a strain on our marriage, BUT......it has also strengthened it.
  Autism has also made our marriage stronger. In the almost 8 years we have been married, we have been through a lot. A hurricane, hub's back problems, his 2 major surgeries, Liam and Autism, myself and Fibromyalgia....It hasn't been an easy life, but it's our life. Autism has taught us to stick together. To stand up for Liam and to educate others about Autism. It has helped us stand together to fight for what Liam needs and deserves. Autism has done all this for our marriage....So while I can say it has made it harder,  it has also made it stronger......I guess I am on the fence with this.....
This is kinda how I feel. Either hubs and I are at war with each other, or at war against the world and fighting for Liam's needs and advocating to spread awareness!


   So, I reached out to reader's on my ALFL page, and asked for their input on this subject.... Below I will add what was sent to me on this topic:


Anon:"I amcurrently married, but he is not the father of my children. I am divorced frommy sons' dad, and never married my daughter's father. My sons both have ASD.Their dad doesn't accept that they have it, so now he has supervisedvisitation. He fights me at every turn. My husband is trying his hardest to bethe dad that they deserve. He still has problems with some of their"issues" but I am strong and I deal with it in my own."

Sarah Hsays:-I ammarried - 10 years-Hubs &I both are NT-Oldestdaughter (6 years old) is autistic, SPD, ADHD, etc-Alsomilitary family <--- adds lots of strain on top of it all-We argue alot over discipline w. Lou. What should we expect from her? What is too much?Do we expect less during medication changes? What about when she's had bedtimemeds? Does medication mean she can act horribly and get away with it? One day Iwill be losing my mind and hubs can be the calm one, while the next day we fliproles. He lets her get away with more, gives her more treats to calm screamingand tantrums, while I am more of the iron-fist more often. We've done marriagecounseling to assist with parenting her, but found that it didn't help as muchas it can be hard to find a counselor who actually deals w. SN families.You can findSarah’s page here: https://www.facebook.com/LifeWLou


Harry writes:"Hi. I amdivorced and have been for 10 years. My son is ASD and was diagnosed while ourdivorce was already in the process. I will tell you though I am sure it wouldhave been a deal breaker anyway because his was and still is in denial. It hasbeen a source of added conflict throughout our divorce which is a shame for ourson. One of the biggest issues was, with the court giving her full medicalauthority, she stopped his private speech, occupational and psychologicaltherapies years ago which has hindered his development."Harry can befound at: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=520048248

Jan shares"Hi Janhere...Yes, i am Married ,been married 10 years but together for 20.I am NT, spouseNT but i think aspie, he has as many traits as kieboy.1nt child,19 years olld,1autistic 13 year old. we handle life together, but don’t always agree. I say noshouting, hubby likes to shout, silly things like that.autism has put a hugestrain on us because no one believed me when i said kie was autistic, even hisdad, no one medical listened until he was 12.but,slowly it is making us allstronger, if we are honest. Diagnosis made a difference as i know i wasn’tgoing mad, kie knows what’s going on and his dad is slowly getting used to it.All we need now is to get him diagnosed LOL~~Jan."You can findJan here: https://www.facebook.com/AutismThroughTheEyesOfUsAll


Kellywrites:Hi! I'mmarried and my husband and I are both NT. We have 2 children. Isabel is 4 andshe has ASD and Nathaniel is 8 months so we are not sure about him yet. He isnot showing any symptoms of ASD but you never know. I believe that our marriagehas become stronger since Isabel was diagnosed. We are really a team now and wecommunicate so much more. Our kids are everything to us autism or not. Isabelwas diagnosed when I was pregnant with my son and I was so worried that havinga baby would upset her. She has actually started interacting with him and it'sgreat to see. I hope this helps.

Christelwrites:"Not married,divorced my first husband, and my second one is deceased. That is many yearsago, so I consider myself single now.
I have aASD, and so does my son, (12) My daugther(19) is NTHow do youhandle life together/apart......I Live on my own, with some help, my son livesin a group home, and has found his place in the world too. My daughter lives onher own.
My son comeshome every other weekend and a few days extra for the holidays, never more then4, which is the limit for him and me being in one place without much trouble.My daughter visits when she wants and can.
When mydaughter was a teen I was undiagnosed, and it caused a lot of trouble. She wasa very difficult ten, and we almost lost contact between us completely. Since Ihave my diagnosis now and know i have an ASD, it has gotten easy. She now knowswhy mom is different, does some things different than the rest of the world,and why I am the way I am. Knowing has helped her Understand and to give somethings a place in her life. Between me and my son I have had some difficulties,but it’s easier for me to understand him, then it is for me to understand somethings my NT Daughter does/did. A big support for all of us is my mother, asuper-strong woman who does what she can despite having a physical handicap tokeep things as smooth as possible. ( and yes, that is a big shout-out/thank youto her!)

I haverecently started to blog about my life, and my views on asd on my website. ialso post other stuff there, so it also a page that shows some of my interests.Not sure if i should connect a facebook page to my blog, i might soon, though."If You wouldlike to connect with Christel and get a perspective from an adult on thespectrum, you can find her here…http://tmntfan.nl/
Sheila shares:“Hi inanswer to your question on relationships. I have been with my hubby for 20yearsand married for 14years since our son was diagnosed 3 years ago with ASD andco-morbid ADHD we have come to the conclusion that hubby is and undiagnosedaspie he and my son have a lot of similar traits and since researching Aspegersto try and understand our son a bit more we have said hubby is definitely onthe spectrum. My hubby often struggles with the feel of certain textures forexample he can't stand sand, he can't wear thongs as the post between his toesirritates him, when shopping for shoes they have to jump out at him and say buyme or he won't even try them on and when he does eventually find a pair if theydon't feel right straight away he won't buy them. I used to struggle in theearly years of our relationship when he used to find it difficult to show hisemotions to me he very rarely hugs me or kisses me but I know he loves me inhis own way. When his dad passed away 4 years ago in a tragic accident we hadto travel by plane for 24 hrs to get back to the family not once did he showany real emotion it was only once he saw his dad in the funeral home did itreally hit home about the fact his dad was no longer around even then he didn'tcry and show a lot of emotion he just looked shell shocked. I have known myhubby since we were in high school and I remember him at school as being thisquite guy who never really looked people in the eye and was always the one inthe group who seemed quite shy (luckily he was taken under the wings of a greatgroup of guys who have always accepted him for who he is). he is 40 next marchand has only ever had 2 jobs in his adult life as he doesn't like change butwhen he does make a change it is on his terms and he does it big style. when webought our 1st house he told me that he would never move from there as his mumand dad had lived in their house forever and he had only ever lived there thatwas until the day he calmly came downstairs to tell me he had applied for a jobin Australia with the company who he was working for at the time, 4 mths laterhe was on a plane to try out his new job in Australia to see if he liked it andto see if they wanted him it started out as a 4 week trip which eventuallydragged out to 7 weeks and then he only came home because he missed me and Tomand we had our home to sell by January of the following year we were in Australiaand have been here 7years now and have just bought our own home (which I havebeen told he will never move from again). Over the years we have had sometrying times were we have had our issues mainly because Rob doesn't tell mewhat is wrong and I end up screaming at him (which we all know gets you nowherefast with someone on the spectrum) but to be honest I wouldn't change a thingand it helps me to know that the right girl is out there somewhere waiting formy handsome young man to be their special someone and I often say to people whoI speak to on the spectrum that worry about relationships there is someone for everyoneand that person will come along just be yourself and they will either love youor hate you if they love you hold onto them with all your heart if they hateyou let them go they are not worth worrying about. Hope this inspires otherpeople out there to give someone on the spectrum a chance.”



Jacksonshares“okay I'mrather ADD so I didn't pick up on exactly how you wanted me to answerquestions. I can share with you what Autism has done to our marriage through 23years. Right now what frustrates me most is that I'm the"interpreter". My husband seldom talks directly to Ian. He talksthrough me. This is partly my fault. I'm so afraid hubby will say something inthe wrong way and he will melt down and I don't need that in my life...that I justjump in. This is tiring. This is old. I wish I could stop. I wish I could be ina place in my life that I could handle an occasional meltdown and not walk oneggshells. I know it has been hard for hubby to put up with my seemingobsession with this child/person. Now that he is technically a "man"(and that is a HARD word to use) hubby wants him to have a "normal"life. I'm still protective. I know my hubby sees eternity stretching out beforehim with this person always in our home. We are at the point where we areplanning our retirement and our retirement includes a grown person in our homepossibly forever. We yearn for an empty nest where we can run around the housenaked and that's just not going to happen. Hubby keeps making plans and I keepsaying "What about Ian?". I know thata lot of your readers are struggling with younger austistic children, but Iwanted to put this out there. They become autistic adults and they still needcare. We are not saintly. We struggle and disagree about what's to be done.”Jackson alsoopens up to me about SEX in an Autistic household”“I wasreminded this morning also of another challenge to marriage with an autistic"child". Sex. I swear we went years without it. Ian was in hospitalquite a bit so we were not even physically in the same spot. We celebrated awedding anniversary in the hospital. Later the code word for sex was "Isthe boy asleep?" He has learned to knock before entering our room if thedoor is shut. He has NOT learned to wait for the "all clear" beforeopening the door. This of course leads to lots of embarrassment. Later he willask "were you having sex?" It seems he asks this in front of otherpeople a lot. His brothers get grossed out at the thought of 50 year old peoplehaving sex and the pastor just turns red!”

Heatherwrites:“I’m sendingthis message in response to your questions for your blog. I am married. Myspouse and I are both NT. We have three children. All boys... they are Caleb10, Aden 5, and Logan 3. Aden is our only child with a diagnosis of ASD. Ourlife is one big roller coaster...lol. I am a stay at home mom and my husbandworks 12 hour days, 7 days a week. So finding "adult" time is hardthen you add in 3 kids, one with autism. It can be very straining on ourrelationship. But we have learned to take each day and embrace it. Our son Adenhas helped us open our eyes and see everything in a different perspective. Iwouldn't want my family and my life to be any different.”


Nita shares:I will say Ibelieve autism has strengthened our marriage. We had a lot of issues before,especially backbiting. When we received Kylee's diagnosis that caused a lot ofturmoil and practically no one in the family even talks to us on my husband'sside. It is so sad. Before, I would have said it could've made our marriagewobbly but my husband has stood up and been amazing. Once he was on board, lol.Long story short, we do not let anyone's negative opinions color our situationand feelings. People have nothing better to do than ignore us and our daughter,go for it. My mother in law has practically ignored my child. She let her stayover New Year's of this year. Hasn't called to do anything with her. All year!That used to take it's toll before but now, neither of us care. When Kyleebrings it up, we answer her truthfully and carry on.



Wendyshares:I am happilydivorced. My son's dad has no clue where my son is. The last time I talked tomy sons dad the awful man told me that when my son turns 18 he would kick mysons a** and beat the autism out of him. To say the least if this man everfound out where my son is he is not allowed to go near my precious baby. Eventhough my son resides in a group home sometimes there is a strain. Misbehaviors that I also have to deal with. SometimesI do wish I did not have to do this alone but then I think what an awful manhis dad is and then I think how lucky we are not to have him in our lives. Myson does miss having a dad at times. Btw I call his dad a sperm donor. My sonis now 15 when he was 1 his dad went to jail and when he got out only seen hima few times. So for the last 14 years I have been mom and dad.

So there you have it.....Different people, different perspectives on Autism and Marriage. Months ago,I read a blog by Autism Daddy where he listed ways he and his wife keep theirmarriage strong. I LOVED it. You can check it out by clicking here: Autism Daddy

For info onAutism and Marriage, check out the link below. I turned to Google , and found asite with many helpful links:More info CLICK HERE